Why Breakups Hit Harder Than You Expect—Even When the Relationship Wasn’t Great
You knew the relationship wasn’t perfect.
Maybe it was filled with tension. Maybe you felt unappreciated, or like you were the one doing all the emotional labor. Maybe you were already thinking about leaving when they beat you to it.
So why are you devastated?
Why does your body ache like you just lost something irreplaceable—when, logically, you know the relationship had major problems?
Here’s the answer: it’s not just about the relationship you had. It’s about the attachment you formed. And that doesn’t break just because you decided it “shouldn’t” hurt.
Attachment Doesn’t Care if It Was a Good Relationship
Your brain doesn’t bond based on logic. It bonds based on repetition, routine, and survival. Over time, even an inconsistent or unhealthy relationship can become your emotional baseline.
You learn when to approach, when to retreat. You build mental scripts around how to get your needs met—or how to protect yourself from disappointment. That becomes your normal.
So when the relationship ends, you’re not just losing the person. You’re losing a pattern. A system. A part of your nervous system that was calibrated around them.
That’s Why It Feels Like Withdrawal
Heartbreak isn’t just emotional—it’s chemical. When you're in a relationship, your body releases dopamine, oxytocin, and other bonding chemicals that create a sense of closeness and stability (even if the relationship wasn’t always safe or supportive).
When that connection is abruptly cut off, your system goes into withdrawal. Just like quitting a substance, your brain craves the regulation it used to get from that person—even if that “regulation” was chaotic.
That craving is what makes you:
Obsess over their texts (or lack of them)
Replay the relationship over and over
Question whether you made a mistake—even when you know you didn’t
Let’s Talk About the Loss of Potential
For many people, the grief isn’t just about who the person was. It’s about who you thought they could become. The future you pictured. The version of the relationship you were holding out hope for.
When that disappears, it’s not just a breakup. It’s the death of a dream.
That loss can feel just as painful as the loss of a deeply loving relationship—because the pain isn’t always about what was. Sometimes it’s about what will never be.
Yes, You Can Feel Both Relieved and Grief-Stricken
You might feel better in some ways. Less tension. More space. But you also feel disoriented, lonely, and unsure of who you are without this relationship dynamic.
That ambivalence is normal.
Grief doesn’t mean you want them back.
It means you’re adjusting to the absence of something that had shaped your emotional world.
You’re Not Weak. You’re Just Human.
Breakups after “not-so-great” relationships can be especially confusing because people expect you to be fine.
“You’re better off.”
“You weren’t even happy.”
“It’s a good thing it ended.”
Those things might all be true—and still, you’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to miss someone who didn’t treat you the way you deserved. You’re allowed to grieve the loss of stability, even if it was a shaky one.
Ready to untangle the pain?
If you're struggling to make sense of a breakup—whether you're reeling, stuck, or just trying to move on—I can help. As a Burbank-based licensed therapist, I work directly with individuals navigating the emotional fallout of complicated relationships.
Schedule a consultation with me today. You don’t have to figure this out alone.