Why You Still Want Them (And Why That Doesn’t Make You Weak)

One of the most unsettling parts of betrayal is this:

You still want the person who hurt you.

Not because you forgot.
Not because you minimized what happened.
Not because you are “in denial.”

You remember everything.

The lies.
The moment your stomach dropped.
The images your brain replays without your permission.

And yet, there is still longing.

That contradiction is where people turn on themselves.
They decide it must mean something is wrong with them.

It doesn’t.

It means your nervous system was injured.

Betrayal Does Not Turn Love Off Like a Switch

People who have never been betrayed tend to imagine love as a switch.

Someone cheats.
You flip it off.
Problem solved.

That is not how real attachment works.

Long-term love functions more like a dimmer.

When betrayal hits, the light drops fast. Sometimes violently.
Trust collapses. Safety disappears. The relationship you thought you had is gone.

But attachment does not instantly vanish just because reality changed.

Your nervous system does not update on command.

Your Brain Is Still Attached Even Though Your Heart Is Injured

When you bond deeply with someone, your brain wires them in as a source of safety.

They become:

• The person your body expects when you are overwhelmed
• The voice your nervous system associates with comfort
• The place your mind reflexively goes when you feel alone

Betrayal destroys safety, but it does not immediately erase that wiring.

That is why you can feel rage and longing at the same time.
That is why you miss someone you no longer trust.
That is why your body reaches for closeness while your mind is shouting, “This is dangerous.”

This is not weakness.

This is attachment trauma.

The Shame Often Hurts More Than the Betrayal

The betrayal is painful.

But what derails healing is what people say to themselves afterward.

“I shouldn’t still want them.”
“If I had self-respect, I’d be done.”
“What kind of person misses someone who betrayed them?”

Those thoughts don’t create strength.
They create shame.

And shame keeps trauma stuck.

Wanting someone who betrayed you does not mean you approve of what they did.
It does not mean you are excusing it.
It does not mean you lack boundaries.

It means your attachment system was injured, not defective.

Love and Action Are Not the Same Thing

This distinction changes everything.

You can still love someone and choose distance.
You can miss them and still require accountability.
You can feel bonded and still protect yourself.

Feelings are not decisions.

Many people stay stuck because they believe that wanting someone means they must act on it.

You do not.

The Dimmer Adjusts Based on Reality, Not Willpower

Love fades or rebuilds based on behavior over time.

Not promises.
Not apologies.
Not tears.

Reality.

If the person who betrayed you minimizes, deflects, blames, or rushes your healing, the dimmer continues to drop.

If they take full responsibility, tolerate your pain without defensiveness, and show consistent change over time, the dimmer may slowly rise.

Either way, your job is not to force the dimmer.

Your job is to observe reality without shaming yourself for what you feel.

Still Wanting Them Often Means You Loved Fully

People who detach instantly were often never fully attached to begin with.

Still wanting someone after betrayal usually means:

• You invested deeply
• You bonded honestly
• You did not keep one foot out the door

Those are not flaws.

They are strengths that now require protection.

What Actually Helps

Instead of asking, “Why can’t I stop wanting them?”

Try asking:

• “What does my body need to feel safe right now?”
• “What boundaries protect me while I stabilize?”
• “What information do I need before making decisions?”

Clarity comes after stabilization, not before.

Final Thought

Still wanting someone who betrayed you does not mean you are weak.

It means you loved without holding back.

Healing is not about erasing that love.
Healing is about separating what you feel from what you choose.

That is where real strength begins.

If you’re ready to get out of the chaos and begin recovering after infidelity at your own pace, you can learn more about my infidelity recovery resources here.
Blindsided by His Betrayal is available on Amazon.